my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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