she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
