uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
