Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
