Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
