my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
