He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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