I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
