I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize