3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
