I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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