My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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