Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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