3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
