Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
