is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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