I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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