Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
