I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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