I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
