I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
