my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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