You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
