Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
