she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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