I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
