there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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