Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
