By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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