96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
