nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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