Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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