Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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