whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
