Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
