I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
