I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
he just fucked me for my cheese.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
