i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You made out with two different species that night
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
