just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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