I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
