why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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