I think i peed on brittanys purse
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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