I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
