i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
