Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
