I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
