I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I stole a fireplace last night.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
