I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
