i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
