Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
