I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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