1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
this boner is exhausting
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
