you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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