I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize