Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
