I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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