First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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