Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
