1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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