I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
