We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
