alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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