Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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