I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
