Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
