I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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