I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
